Hunger (Some Say Love #1) Read online

  It is a Hunger

  Hunger

  by Jane Smith

  http://JaneSmithWrites.com/hunger

  Copyright © 2016 by Jane Smith

  All rights reserved.

  This is a work of complete fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law. For permission requests, email the author with the subject line “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at [email protected]

  Chapter 1

  It's a weird topic, right; exchanging sex for money? And Kelsey wanted to seem deeper than that. She was deeper than that, but she was also realistic. Money was the only thing stopping her from feeling stable and secure in life. She worked full time and freelanced, but it wasn’t enough to afford her divorce and sex was the only other marketable asset she had. She didn't want to look like a gold digger, just a gal with a sex drive who needed help. Aren’t gold diggers looking for marriage? She was hungry for security and a stable life for her daughters.

  She was so glad to finally be divorcing; marriage was nowhere on her wish list. After spending 15 years in a relationship with someone she didn’t enjoy as a person, she didn’t want to get too involved with anyone. And “those men” on the Sugar Daddy dating website, they didn't honestly care that they're “helping an underprivileged girl make ends meet,” they just wanted sex. They wanted to buy their way past the niceties and foreplay and relationship stuff that kept poorer men from getting laid. But they couldn't admit that without feeling like a jerk, so this was the game she’d signed up to play and she was determined to win.

  Kelsey hated talking about herself, but she knew this was important. She took a deep breath and pulled the stack of worn-out blankets up around her shoulders. The heat was on, but her ramshackle trailer wasn’t exactly airtight. The wind was whistling outside and she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep, so she focused on the task at hand.

  The hook on her profile was working. She had several potential sugar daddies responding, by confessing that her greatest fear was that she wouldn't be able to have a sex life since she's divorced now and focusing on her career. It wasn’t a lie, the idea of a sexless life was depressing, to be sure. But sex wasn’t really her biggest concern.

  Now that they’d responded, she needed to ensure that they were intrigued and wanted to help. Of course she'd have a sex life again, but it wouldn't be worth it to take the time off of work to get laid if she wasn't getting paid for it. She was determined to get her children out of poverty and stop living in fear.

  Stressing the importance of sex in her profile turned out to be a good move, because that garnered a ton of responses from would-be suitors. She’d read a few of the other women’s profiles and they focused more on what they wanted instead of what they had to offer. Wanting the same thing the men wanted seemed like a good approach.

  Besides, some of these women wanted money for their fancy car payments, exotic vacations, and plastic surgery. Kelsey just wanted to keep food in her fridge and avoid eviction. Most of all, she wanted to be able to pay for her divorce. Anything extra would be a bonus. Putting that in the profile screamed of a disrespectable level of poverty that she didn’t want to identify with, even though it was the truth. Night after night, Kelsey lay in bed with her laptop after the kids had gone to sleep, reading the men’s profiles, responding to their messages, and blocking the creeps, married men, and posers.

  After a few weeks, she settled on a handful of men that seemed to meet her requirements for a first meeting. She researched their interests and their hobbies and tried to get at the heart of who they were, so that her responses would sound like “just the thing” they were looking for. Detecting and conforming to her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s ever-changing ideas about how she should present herself turned out to be good practice for figuring out what these men wanted and then acting like she was made for them.

  That one mentioned that he was looking for someone to enjoy the outdoors with. One paragraph of her response said “I just wish I had time to go on a hike. It always clears my mind, but by the time I leave the school, I'm so tired I can barely move. But I have arranged to take my class on a field trip to the arboretum next week, so that should help. I just need trees.”

  That one was a musician and said that he wanted someone he could go on road trips with, so she wrote back “My favorite childhood memory? No one has asked me that. I'd have to say it's the time my cousins and I piled into my Grandpa's pickup truck and drove to Yosemite. I can probably name every song we heard on the radio that weekend. In fact, every time I take a road trip, it takes me back to that week and if one of those songs plays on the radio, I'm 12 again, singing along and looking out the window at the landscape, realizing for the very first time how huge the world really is and how lucky we are to be able to zip down the highway and see it all go by. I just need the wind in my hair and a song to sing.”

  Kelsey's goal was to be exactly what they wanted, she wanted them to think “This girl ‘gets me’ like no one else.” She figured that after spending 15 years married to a man who always insisted she be his version of perfection, how hard could it be to be someone else's version of perfection. But she had to do it; otherwise she’d never be able to afford to finish her divorce and the potential custody battle.

  And she wasn’t lying, parts of her could identify with each one of those traits she was assuming. She loved having the wind in her hair and she loved road trips. Each of the men on her list embodied a fantasy and, since she hadn’t had much time in life to explore every aspect of her existence, she was just as excited about the possibility of personal development as she was about fixing her sex life and curing the poverty problem.

  Over the years, as her husband’s insecurities and unsubstantiated accusations became more threatening, she lost the freedom to wear vibrant colors, be friends with single men, or even work outside the home. Those didn't seem like things a grown woman should be prevented from doing and she wanted to do all of them now that she was free. But this little sacrifice, of focusing her energy on being someone else's girl, was a conscious financial decision. She'd never get out of poverty if she continued teaching preschool.

  And it worked. She had seven of them hooked and wanting to meet for coffee.

  Chapter 2

  “I'm on the freeway right now, can I call you back?” He shouted into the after-market Bluetooth radio he had installed in his car, which was nearly 30 years old. Most people with his income would have purchased something flashier, but this car represented the essence of his identity sometimes. It had outlasted all his marriages and sometimes felt like the only constant thing in his life.

  His first wife laughed. “Oh my god, are you meeting another woman?” Donna was amused by his constant search for a new wife and hoped that one day her son would have a respectable stepmother instead of the money-hungry women that Charles had always seemed attracted to. Sometimes she wondered if their marriage would have lasted if she’d made more of an effort to keep looking like a 25-year-old girl, but the reality is that people age and she wasn’t interested in dealing with the tantrums of a man who didn’t understand that.

  Charles was the center of his own universe, but more than anything, he was her friend. Donna loved him in spite of his social and emotional limitations. She didn’t need the alimony and child support he’d afforded her but appreciated the integrity that he showed by not arguing with her attorney about it. Their divorc
e five years ago was difficult to reconcile.

  But when she discovered that he’d been having an affair and that he didn’t feel a connection with her, she came to terms with it. She didn’t feel particularly connected with him either; except that they shared a son. She admired that he was cooperative and helpful when it came to parenting. He was a good man before he started drinking. And they were a good team, just not a good couple.

  Charles didn’t want to talk about his current love life with his ex-wife, but she was one of his closest friends. He took a deep breath and answered, “Yes, but this one is different, there's something about her that seems special. And, it's just coffee,” he justified.

  Mainly he was justifying because if anyone found out that he was driving three hours to meet a girl for coffee they'd be worried. Especially if they knew that he’d found her on a Sugar Daddy dating website. But this one did seem different, she seemed sweet and down-to-earth. Just because a girl needs financial help, she’s not necessarily bad. And sometimes, Charles feared that the only worthwhile contribution he could make to a relationship was his wealth.

  His last Internet relationship hadn't worked out so well, and he wasn't the type to recover quickly from heartbreak.

  Donna’s voice came through the car’s speakers, encouraging, “Well, good luck, I hope she is.” And he sped down the freeway toward Portland, knowing that any speeding ticket he got would be forgiven, because the St James family didn't get punished for silly things like speeding. Besides, how many officers could possibly be patrolling this road at six in the morning on a Sunday, anyway?

  Charles reflected on his email conversations with Kelsey and couldn’t get over how different she was. Obviously, she was new to the dating scene, and struggling financially, or she wouldn’t have chosen this specific website to find a sex partner, but was she for real?

  He guessed she could be faking the non-materialistic nature of her being. Maybe she wasn’t as sweet and kind as she seemed. Maybe her skin would be rough and aging. Maybe her laugh would be unbearable or she’d have distasteful grooming habits. Maybe she’d have bad taste in music or ignorant political beliefs. Was it fate that led them to one another or was she just a con artist like the rest of them?

  She hadn't responded to the most important part of his profile, and that was concerning.e was looking for a wife, not just a Sugar Daddy arrangement. More than anything, he hated being alone.

  Loneliness plagued him even when he was in a relationship, but without a girl in the house, he was a wreck. Sex distracted him from that, but not for long.

  Too many nights spent alone in his Seattle house were driving him nuts. Literally. He’d been meaning to stop using the Vicodin to sleep, but he liked the numbness it gave him. Anything felt better than being alone.

  Every night, he'd head down to his wine cellar and wander up and down the corridors, trying to decide which bottle he'd use to get to sleep that night. He thought that loneliness was his biggest enemy, but really it was the wine and the pills.

  No woman wants to get tangled up with an alcoholic.

  Chapter 3

  “Why Portland, Kels?” Amanda was trying to listen to her friend’s story because it took her mind off her own problems. Her daughter wasn’t responding as well as they’d hoped to this most recent prescription and she was sure they’d end up back in the Emergency Room again.

  Kelsey had been her best friend for nearly ten years, ever since the day she’d interviewed Amanda for a barista job at her coffee shop. Kelsey hired Amanda to manage the location and even Brian agreed that she was a great asset to the business. As Sarabeth got sicker and sicker, Kelsey was great about finding tasks Amanda could do to keep the business going without having to follow a regular schedule, and when the coffee shops went out of business, Kelsey secretly paid Amanda the balance of her income from her own savings.

  “Because I don't want to see anyone I know, and because none of the men here interest me. If they've chosen to live here, then they're already not interesting. I've always wanted out of Bend, and if I have someone in the city who is helping me out, I'm more likely to escape this stupid little town and finally move to the city.” Kelsey knew Amanda couldn’t understand her aversion to small-town life, but they’d discussed it enough that Amanda respected it and was rooting for her even if it meant she’d see her less often.

  “How are you even going to afford commuting back and forth for dates all the time?”

  Amanda knew that Kelsey always had a plan and was wondering how she was going to work this one out. A move like that was expensive and Kelsey’s behemoth of an SUV would probably take $100 to commute back and forth to the city each time. She could barely afford to keep the electricity on. She might be able to afford a trip like that every few months, but not often enough to date someone and eventually move away from Bend.

  Kelsey's crooked smile revealed that she had a plan, and she outlined it all for Amanda to review.

  When Amanda heard it, she laughed. “Oh my god, I knew you were ridiculous, but this takes the cake. So, you're just going to sit at the same coffee shop all day long and meet with each one of them? In one day? I don't know if you're a genius or a lunatic!”

  Amanda was impressed with Kelsey’s bravery and unconventional approach, but she wasn’t surprised. The two women had been friends long enough that Amanda expected nothing less than the most innovative approach to every dilemma.

  Kelsey didn't know if she was a genius or a lunatic either, but she knew she only had one chance to get this right. The restraining order had been filed a few months prior, and if she didn’t finish her divorce before it expired, a judge would be more likely to grant shared custody instead of giving her sole custody. That was a risk she couldn’t afford to take. The cycle of emotional abuse had to stop.

  She was glad that Amanda was able to babysit, and doubly glad when she offered to charge 10% of the day’s profit rather than a flat rate. Amanda was going to invest her evening in Kelsey's success. That meant that Amanda would use all her fashion superpowers to help Kelsey pick an outfit that would work.

  Amanda loved fashion, but she loved her daughter more. Amanda hadn't been able to keep a job since the emergency surgeries and ER visits made her the world's least reliable employee. She had sold almost all her best clothes and jewelry at the local consignment shop, but she was willing to lend Kelsey a few key pieces and work with her existing wardrobe to find the perfect outfit. They pored over the men's profiles, looking for information that would reveal what kind of woman they were dreaming about meeting.

  They settled on a base outfit that was attractive and decided to personalize it for a few of them. Paul needed to see her with her hair up, and she'd have to take it down halfway through the date. In one of their communications, he mentioned that it was a subconscious signal that meant a girl felt really relaxed. Danny needed to see that she wasn't into shopping or jewelry, so she'd have to leave the fancy designer bracelet in her purse until her date with Alex, the guy who liked a girl with excellent taste in jewelry. Mitch, the artist, would love the Van Gogh scarf, so after her date with Jason, she'd have to wear the scarf. Michael seemed the easiest to deal with. He just wanted a girl who could keep up with him, both in the bedroom and in conversation. All she had to do was talk, that was easy. Charles wasn’t very forthcoming, all she got out of his profile was that they shared a favorite color and he wanted a wife. She wore purple nearly every day and consciously decided not to wear it on this day, so he wouldn’t peg her as a potential wife.

  Satisfied with their selection, Kelsey sat with her daughters and her best friend at the rickety kitchen table with mismatched chairs, dining on a green salad. The moms polished off the last of their cheap red wine from plastic Disney character cups and listened to the kids’ detailed retelling of their favorite My Little Pony episodes. They were only interrupted when the faucet at the kitchen sink exploded, sending a spray of water onto the kitchen counter. Kelsey grabbed a wrench from the countert
op and closed the cold-water valve under the sink. Once she was finally seated, with water dripping down her hair, she told Amanda “So I guess there won’t be any cold water in the kitchen sink for a little while. I can’t fix that tonight.”

  Amanda shrugged, “Dishes need hot water, anyway. It’s going to get better, OK. Life won’t always be this hard.”

  Coming from Amanda, that was big. Kelsey took a deep breath, not letting her mind focus on the plumbing issue. She looked around at the shabby-but-happy single-wide trailer that always felt like a temporary home and sighed, nobody should have to live like this.

  Amanda burst into laughter when Kelsey was pouring the rest of the wine into her glass. Kelsey stopped pouring, wondering if she’d already had too much to drink.

  “No, keep pouring. I’m sorry, you just have a spinach leaf stuck on your front tooth.” Amanda’s ponytail bounced as she laughed.

  Kelsey smiled and scraped it off. “Thank you. I hate that.”

  Amanda nodded. “That’s how you know we’re best friends. Never let go of friends who tell you when there’s spinach in your teeth.”

  The women fell asleep on the couch watching Mean Girls. Amanda was jealous of the characters’ seemingly-unlimited clothing budgets. Kelsey imagined what it would be like to have money like that. They both hated the teenage characters, who would never know what life was like below the poverty line.